Wow, how terribly random
by FlyingPirates
Summary: Random spoofs. Hope you like it!
1. Giving Birth

[color=violetWhat husbands are NOT to Say to a Woman While She is Giving Birth:

"You have failed to produce me a heir, off with your head."

"That was a BABY?"

'That's definitely a turn off."

"So honey, when do you think you're going to lose all this weight you've been packing on?"

"So darling... I've been doing a lot of thinking and well... I think I like guys."

"Now that the baby's out, maybe I could get inside you next...." *wink, wink*

"NO!! IT'S A GIRL!!! PUT IT BACK IN!!! PUT IT BACK IN!!!!"

"I missed the strip club for this shit?"

"Umm.....so what are you gonna make for dinner?"


	2. Twilight Spoof

This was just a little something I came up with when I was really bored. Hope you like it!

**AUTHORS NOTE: Spoof is of Twilight, after the fourth book, in Edwards POV. **

I was sitting on the couch, watching the baseball game when Renesme and Jacob walked through the front door. They were laughing as if someone told a side splitting joke.

"Hey Edward. Bella." Jacob smiled slightly at Bella and me.

"Jacob." I wasn't much for long responses towards the boy who tried to steal my wife, and then fell in love with my daughter.

Renesme skipped gracefully, something she inherited from Alice no doubt, and sat on my lap.

"Hi Daddy," she sung, and kissed my cheek. "And, Mommy!" She kissed Bella.

"Hey sweetie, how was school?" Bella pushed Renesme's curly brown hair out of her face.

"Oh it was good. But we had to dissect a frog. And I told the teacher no way, so I got a C." Bella shot her a glance as if to say, 'You should have known better than to skip out on a project.' Renesme just sighed.

"I just didn't want to do it, OK? Next topic; there's a dance tonight, and Jacob and I are going, so…I need to go shopping for a dress." When she said the last part she specifically turned her head towards Alice, who stopping reading her book when she heard the word "shopping".

"I'll take her! Come on Renesme!" Alice swooped over and grabbed Renesme's hand, and flew out the door. Jacob just followed as if routine. The door shut quietly.

"So…" I grabbed Bella's hand. "We're all alone…" I kissed her neck.

"No! No, no, no!" Bella threw my hand and stood. "We already broke the cottage, and we are NOT breaking this house!" She stamped her foot like a five year old. I laughed and grabbed the remote. Watching a movie was OK, but it wasn't much of a substitute for what we _should_ have been doing. She sighed, as if she was as disappointed as I was, and started to watch _The Nightmare Before Christmas _with me_._

LATER

"Mommy! I don't want to go down there!" Renesme whined. She, Jacob, Bella and I were standing at the top of a long flight of stairs that led down to the basement.

"Well, you have to if you want that pretty headband Alice was telling you about." Alice had just been re-living her junior high school days by telling a story of this beautiful diamond headband that she had bought when she was 14. Renesme decided that she had to have it for the dance that night, but, it was buried down in the basement. So, Bella told Renesme that she had to get it.

Renesme let out another pitiful whine of disagreement.

"OK." Jacob spoke up. "I'll do it." He kissed Renesme's hand. "I'll be back in a few, beautiful." Renesme blushed a bit and walked away to go do her hair. Bella followed her.

That kiss just burned me up inside. Why'd he have to touch my daughter like that? Then, I got the idea.

I peeked down the stairwell, to see Jacob searching around very carefully. Cobwebs hung dangerously low from the ceiling, amazingly not getting caught in his long hair. He was obviously as scared of being down there as Renesme was.

Then, I did it. I slammed the door shut and locked it with the old key. Just seconds later, Jacob was pounding at the door.

"Hey! Let me out! Please! It's so scary down here! AH!!! SPIDER!!!!!!" I chuckled and walked away, the key dangling from my hand.

Ha-ha, hope you liked reading it as much as I liked writing it. Please R&R!


	3. Kaitlyn plus Sugar equals AWESOME!

Mira, my mommy, and my two Asian brothers, Ikuto and Tadase (names such a coincidence) live together in Kitty Land. We have fifteen kitties (Ikuto's idea) and little doggie minions who wear chains to link each other together. (Guess whose idea that was) And their number one trick is to (no not beg) but bow down to him.

Oh and in Shugo Chara, when Amu and Tadase meet Kairi in the stupid school place, when Amu is falling, Mira-chan and I are like "Suspense!!!" and when a hand catches Amu's we are like, " Yes! Yes! YES!!!" And then it shows Tadase holding Amu's hands and we are like, "NOO!!!!!!! –slams head against desk-

Anyways, there is no Daddy, Mommy got pregnant from taking a shower in a golden tub…yeah. She was pissed. (She didn't learn from the first time from taking a shower in the golden tub in the middle of the road) Wouldn't you think that would be a little suspicious??

And if you're wondering, yes, this is the story…

So….put up with my random rambling or no cookies for you! –hides cookies in closet-

So this is when I skipped happily down a bubble road and got mugged by talking blades of grass. It…was…terrible…-hides face- I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!!!!!

And I have to pee, so I'm excited…yeah, I have no clue in the world why…

But hey. It gets my creative flow going. –says flow in flowy way- FLLLLLLOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW…………………….

And if you are depressed and clicked on this story, my bad. I forgot to tell you that it was a story for losers. Story! Story story!!!!! –says in different voices-

Okay, I better stop rambling now, you might not have any brain cells left…xP


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